Loneliness.
There is so much impacted into this word. Yet the definition is quite simple. Webster's dictionary defines lonely as "Causing sad feelings that come from being apart from other people". The depth of loneliness can range from a bad day to years of torment. In fact loneliness has doubled from 20 percent in the 1980's to 40 percent.
Upon further research you can find articles with more statistics, reasons for the increase, and how to fix it. Make more friends, go out more, don't watch so much tv, facebook and social media are evil. And the list goes on. Though I find these things to be true to an extent, I can't help but say they are wrong. We live in a world that is vastly growing. Our population is ever increasing which means we are surrounded by more and more people. More activtites, more reasons to connect and share with people.
I don't personally suffer from depression but I can account numerous times of loneliness in my life. Sometimes they last a day and at times they have lasted months. Today has been one of those days. As I was catching up on my shows this morning on my day off, I was hit with it. On first reaction, it always feels like it came from nowhere. Until of course, I begin to look back on where my heart and mind have been the last few weeks. Not a ton of time in God's word, not alot of time fellowshiping with friends. More like here and there. And a whole lot of business that has lead to a thirst for more "me time".
I know there are tons of debates about being introverted and extroverted. Blogs and articles that "prove" it's healthy to be true to your own personality on what "fills" you up. I would say I'm smack dab in the middle of the two. There are times where I need to just be around people to feel more alive. And times where I want to be alone in my house doing my own thing. Neither have brought me full satisfaction. Neither have taken away my loneliness. They have brought but moments of peace and happiness. Truth be told there are also many times I run to these avenues and still find myself alone even surrounded by those that I love. It usually leads to the question of "Where do I belong?".
But when my true joy stems from the One True Living God, the times I spend with people and by myself bring joy that pushes my heart and soul towards heaven. These are the times that get me past my loneliness. The point at which I let my guard down because I put my trust in a Savior who sees me for who I am and still loves me. This love. This grace that God has given is the only way I truly can escape the loneliness of this world. Because we are surrounded by a sea of empty lies. Lies that tell us that we need that new Iphone because we will be able to connect more with the world. Lies that tell us that our happiness comes from within ourselves. Lies that tell us we don't need people in our lives who challenge our selfishness. Or take a little more to love. Lies that tell us we can give and serve people without really serving people.
We have become so infatuated with ourselves that we forget our need for a relationship with our Father. He is the sustainer of life. He is all knowing, all powerful, and just. He is faithful. He is loving. He is wise and passionate. He gives comfort in times of need. He fullfills. He satisfies. He is the fountain of truth. And He will never leave you.
So yes. When you get lonely. Maybe get off the couch, stop looking at facebook and hang out with a friend. But first pray. Recite these truths to yourself and rely on the Lord to give you joy immeasureable.
Friday, October 10, 2014
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
Lead Me to Your Heart
About a year ago I was preparing for our wedding. John had just got back into town after 10 months of being gone. We were thrilled that the distance was over! We got married, went on our honeymoon, and then we were off to Louisiana! This was by far my biggest transition ever, considering my college move was only a few hours from my hometown. I had spent 5 years in Tampa developing deep and lasting friendships. It was difficult to know I was leaving them behind. But, we were so excited for the adventure God had planned for us! We knew that this was a great opportunity to leave and cleave to one another right after marriage.
The first few months were new and exciting! We quickly transitioned into a new church family and were getting accustomed to living with each other. Of course, like all new shiny things, the fun wore off. Not to say that we live boring lives- quite the contrary! We are actually quite busy. The Lord really has blessed us with a wonderful, kingdom minded church. Amazing marriage. Great friendships through the military. Jobs. Traveling. Visits from friends and family. And all in just one year! Yet I still found myself discontent from time to time.
A few weeks ago, discontentment hit me. I began with the same excuses. But this time, I decided to seek out more answers. I began to realize that all my complaints, all my excuses were centered around things that I wanted but wasn't getting. Good things. But to the point that I was neglecting my relationship with Jesus. I had only looked at it from the surface. I had been loving God throughout but only to the extent that I knew doing so would somehow bring me joy.
A few years ago, God shook my world around a little bit. It was a hard year, but one of the best. Not because of the circumstances in my life, but because of how in love with Jesus I was. You see, it was easier to see God when things around me were falling apart. It was easy to want Him because other things that had filled my heart didn't matter anymore. I had a strong desire for others to know what I was learning that I didn't even care about my insecurities and discomforts.
Why wait for a trial to hit when loving Jesus begins with knowing Him? How can I expect things from God without wanting to serve Him? I would hate if John just kept expecting me to cook and clean and get no love in return. I want him to pursue me, love me, know my heart. In the same way, let's run to Jesus. Let's fall in love with who He is so that we can't wait to tell others. So that in those moments of discontentment, we reach for our bibles instead of the remote.
Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
Lead me, lead me to the cross
Monday, July 22, 2013
"I am your husband."
-Jeremiah 3:14
"Christ Jesus is joined to His people in the bond of marriage. In love He espoused His church as a chaste virgin, long before she fell under the yoke of bondage. Full of burning affection He toiled, like Jacob for Rachel, until the whole of her purchase money had been paid, and now, having sought her by His Spirit, and brought her to know and love Him, He awaits the glorious hour when their mutual bliss shall be consummated at the marriage supper of the Lamb. The gorious bridegroom has not yet presented His betrothed, perfected and complete, before the Majesty of heaven; not yet has she acually entered upon the enjoyment of her dignities as His wife and queen: she is yet a wanderer in a world of woe, a dweller in the tents of Kedar; but she is even now the bride, the spouse of Jesus, dear to His heart, precious in His sight, written on His hands, and united with His person. On earth He exercises towards her all the affectionate offices of Husband. He makes rich provision for her wants, pays all her debts, allows her to assume His name, and to share in all His wealth. Nor will He ever act otherwise to her. The word divroce He will never mention, for "He hates divorce." Death must sever the conjugal tie between the most loving mortals, but it cannot divide the links of this immortal marriage. In heaven they do not marry, but are as the angels of God; yet there is this one marvelous exception to the rule, for in Heaven Christ and His church shall celebrate their joyous nuptials. Just as the affinity is more lasting, so is it more near than earthly wedlock. Let the love of a husband be never so pure and fervent, it is but a faint picture of the flame which burns in the heart of Jesus. Passing all human union is that mystical cleaving to the church, for which Christ left His Father, and became one flesh with her."
-Spurgeon, Morning and Evening: July 22
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Two wonders I confess: the wonders of redeeming love and my unworthiness
Our battered armor and scarred countenances will render our victory more illustrious above, when we are welcomed to the seats of those who have overcome the world. We should not have full fellowship with Christ if we didn't for ahile sojourn below, for He was baptized with a baptism of suffering among humankind, and we must be baptized with the same if we would share His kingdom. -Spurgeon
It's never enjoyable when the reality of your sin hits you in the face. Sin is literally crouching at every corner and desires to overcome you. This cycle can be frustrating because most of the time it's sins we've seen before in our lives. You'd think we would learn our lesson the first time around, and if not atleast by the 10th. However, one thing I've noticed in my sanctification is that I am quicker to realize and see these sins in my life.
One of these for me is relying on my own strength rather than trusting and leaning on Jesus. Of course my strength never lasts on its own and I usually end up failing at some point. This usually starts off with a simple and good desire to do well in something, whether it be with my job or sticking to my weekly plans. Then slowly but surely, when my focus is slightly off of Christ, sin knocks at the door and says "Look how well you're doing, Katie". A little can go a long way and before I know it, something goes wrong. Instead of my heart running to Christ, I simply throw my hands in the air and wonder how I got here. And yet the funny thing is, I made all of those decisions along the way to get myself there. There were no surprises. In my heart, I chose to believe I didn't need any help and that I was strong on my own. Because even when I am trusting in Christ, things still go wrong; my circumstances aren't always pleasant. However because my heart and mind are filled with the Spirit, I'm not surprised by these events, but prepared for them. I can face them with a confidence that isn't rooted in myself but in Christ. And I always find a sweeter joy awaiting me at the end.
Psalm 73:25-26 has always been one of my favorite verses. Verse 26 says this,"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Praise the Lord I don't have to rely on my own strength, for this would be a miserable world to live in. Praise the Lord He chose to love us with an immeasurable love and desires for us to be with Him in glory. He has OVERCOME sin for us that we no longer have to. Though this fight for joy is hard, it is relevant and purposeful to our baptism in Jesus. I am thankful for a Savior that didn't just desire to save us from our sins, but desires to have FULL and wonderful fellowship with us through the wonders of His redeeming love despite our unworthiness.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Perfection
We live in a world that is constantly shoving world views into our minds. The world says believe in yourself. God says believe in Jesus. The world says follow your heart. God says follow Him. The world says do what you need to get on top. God says show humility and honor. The world says buy everything you want. God says sell all that you have. The world says live until you die. God says die so that you may live. The world says the key to happiness is peace and love. God says I am joy, peace and love.
God wasn't kidding when He said the world will suck you in. We are consumed by a culture that feeds our souls idols at the click of a button. The character of patience is long lost and in the past. We get the things we want before we can actually sit and think. We do instead of pray. We act before we speak. And we complain before we give thanks. I often catch myself with this mindset while in traffic. I get so aggravated when someone cuts me off or heaven forbid they need to get over and I don't want to let them in because well getting where I need to be one minute earlier is extrememly important.
As I entered the working world I've encountered so many new things. One thing struck me today. Working in an IB school, I have many students who strive for perfection with their grades. Anything less than an A is just not good enough. Of course I want my students to reach these goals. However, how can it be a goal if you're already at the top? I'd be without a job that's for sure. Yet, I can't really blame them for not thinking this way. We are surrounded by a culture that tells us these things. But where does failure come in? We do indeed all fail at one point in our lives. Why don't we prepare our future generation for the realities of these truths as well? And then it hit me, another world view that is in oppostition to the gospel. The world tells us that we need to be perfect. Rarely do I hear that in order to obtain it, we must grow. A plant doesn't just sprout the second you put it in the soil. It takes time and care. With God, we obtain perfection through sanctification which is given to us through Jesus. He cares deeply for us and ensures that our lives are full of meaning and purpose. We will remain sinners until we die, but how amazing is God's grace that we can rest in knowing that we are no longer in bondage to sin and guilt. What a wonderful thought to know that even through the struggles, just like my 6th graders, we can have confidence and faith that one day we will be made perfect.
God wasn't kidding when He said the world will suck you in. We are consumed by a culture that feeds our souls idols at the click of a button. The character of patience is long lost and in the past. We get the things we want before we can actually sit and think. We do instead of pray. We act before we speak. And we complain before we give thanks. I often catch myself with this mindset while in traffic. I get so aggravated when someone cuts me off or heaven forbid they need to get over and I don't want to let them in because well getting where I need to be one minute earlier is extrememly important.
As I entered the working world I've encountered so many new things. One thing struck me today. Working in an IB school, I have many students who strive for perfection with their grades. Anything less than an A is just not good enough. Of course I want my students to reach these goals. However, how can it be a goal if you're already at the top? I'd be without a job that's for sure. Yet, I can't really blame them for not thinking this way. We are surrounded by a culture that tells us these things. But where does failure come in? We do indeed all fail at one point in our lives. Why don't we prepare our future generation for the realities of these truths as well? And then it hit me, another world view that is in oppostition to the gospel. The world tells us that we need to be perfect. Rarely do I hear that in order to obtain it, we must grow. A plant doesn't just sprout the second you put it in the soil. It takes time and care. With God, we obtain perfection through sanctification which is given to us through Jesus. He cares deeply for us and ensures that our lives are full of meaning and purpose. We will remain sinners until we die, but how amazing is God's grace that we can rest in knowing that we are no longer in bondage to sin and guilt. What a wonderful thought to know that even through the struggles, just like my 6th graders, we can have confidence and faith that one day we will be made perfect.
Monday, June 20, 2011
The heart is decietful above all things
I love science. I get a whirl of raw emotion as I sit and ponder what God has made. Everything in this universe was created by Him and through Him. From the farthest star in the sky to the deepest creature in the ocean. From the blue of my eyes to the valves in my heart that keep blood flowing in one direction. There is no human being that intelligent to design something so intricate. Of course they have tried, and yes science is filled with amazing new findings and inventions everyday. However, I believe they can do these things because God has given them this ability through the creation He created. Who tells God what to do and how to do it but Himself?
The heart is an interesting and complex thing. Physiologically speaking, it is in fact what keeps us alive. Yes, we need other things to function as well, but it all goes back to the heart. Even the brain can die and yet the body still lives if the heart is beating. Spiritually speaking it's what keeps us close to God or what separates us. The world is constantly saying "follow your heart". But do I really want to follow my heart? It seems that every time I do, I'm only trying to satisfy my sinful desires. On the other hand, when I'm seeking God- dying to myself daily, laying my burdens at the foot of the cross- I see godly desires strengthened. The heart is a truly deceptive thing. At times it can encourage us to follow the Lord's way, and at other times it can lead us to sin.
I find that J.C Ryle says it best," I fear we do not sufficiently realize the extreme subtlety of our soul's disease. We are too apt to forget that temptation to sin will rarely present itself to us in its true colors, saying, 'I am your deadly enemy, and I want to ruin you forever in hell.' Oh no! Sin comes to us, like Judas, with a kiss; and like Joab, with an outstretched hand and flattering words." One day, we will no longer have to worry about our hearts keeping us from Christ. There is nothing scarier than knowing our own hearts can deceive us of truth. I have seen and experienced how important it is to fill my mind with the wisdom of the Lord in order to fight this war within. I am so glad the Lord uses times in our sanctification to show us our sin, to humble us and bring us back to the only Truth that will lead to everlasting life. Christ has come and died to give us the Holy Spirit and new hearts; praise God He did not leave us to ourselves.
Jeremiah 17
5 Thus says the Lord:
“Cursed is the man who trusts in man
and makes flesh his strength,
whose heart turns away from the Lord.
6 He is like a shrub in the desert,
and shall not see any good come.
He shall dwell in the parched places of the wilderness,
in an uninhabited salt land.
7 “Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord,
whose trust is the Lord.
8 He is like a tree planted by water,
that sends out its roots by the stream,
and does not fear when heat comes,
for its leaves remain green,
and is not anxious in the year of drought,
for it does not cease to bear fruit.”
9 The heart is deceitful above all things,
and desperately sick;
who can understand it?
10 “I the Lord search the heart
and test the mind,
to give every man according to his ways,
according to the fruit of his deeds.”
11 Like the partridge that gathers a brood that she did not hatch,
so is he who gets riches but not by justice;
in the midst of his days they will leave him,
and at his end he will be a fool.
12 A glorious throne set on high from the beginning
is the place of our sanctuary.
13 O Lord, the hope of Israel,
all who forsake you shall be put to shame;
those who turn away from you shall be written in the earth,
for they have forsaken the Lord, the fountain of living water.
The heart is an interesting and complex thing. Physiologically speaking, it is in fact what keeps us alive. Yes, we need other things to function as well, but it all goes back to the heart. Even the brain can die and yet the body still lives if the heart is beating. Spiritually speaking it's what keeps us close to God or what separates us. The world is constantly saying "follow your heart". But do I really want to follow my heart? It seems that every time I do, I'm only trying to satisfy my sinful desires. On the other hand, when I'm seeking God- dying to myself daily, laying my burdens at the foot of the cross- I see godly desires strengthened. The heart is a truly deceptive thing. At times it can encourage us to follow the Lord's way, and at other times it can lead us to sin.
I find that J.C Ryle says it best," I fear we do not sufficiently realize the extreme subtlety of our soul's disease. We are too apt to forget that temptation to sin will rarely present itself to us in its true colors, saying, 'I am your deadly enemy, and I want to ruin you forever in hell.' Oh no! Sin comes to us, like Judas, with a kiss; and like Joab, with an outstretched hand and flattering words." One day, we will no longer have to worry about our hearts keeping us from Christ. There is nothing scarier than knowing our own hearts can deceive us of truth. I have seen and experienced how important it is to fill my mind with the wisdom of the Lord in order to fight this war within. I am so glad the Lord uses times in our sanctification to show us our sin, to humble us and bring us back to the only Truth that will lead to everlasting life. Christ has come and died to give us the Holy Spirit and new hearts; praise God He did not leave us to ourselves.
Jeremiah 17
5 Thus says the Lord:
“Cursed is the man who trusts in man
and makes flesh his strength,
whose heart turns away from the Lord.
6 He is like a shrub in the desert,
and shall not see any good come.
He shall dwell in the parched places of the wilderness,
in an uninhabited salt land.
7 “Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord,
whose trust is the Lord.
8 He is like a tree planted by water,
that sends out its roots by the stream,
and does not fear when heat comes,
for its leaves remain green,
and is not anxious in the year of drought,
for it does not cease to bear fruit.”
9 The heart is deceitful above all things,
and desperately sick;
who can understand it?
10 “I the Lord search the heart
and test the mind,
to give every man according to his ways,
according to the fruit of his deeds.”
11 Like the partridge that gathers a brood that she did not hatch,
so is he who gets riches but not by justice;
in the midst of his days they will leave him,
and at his end he will be a fool.
12 A glorious throne set on high from the beginning
is the place of our sanctuary.
13 O Lord, the hope of Israel,
all who forsake you shall be put to shame;
those who turn away from you shall be written in the earth,
for they have forsaken the Lord, the fountain of living water.
Friday, May 27, 2011
I serve a faithful God
I am beyond amazed at the Lord's provision these past 5 months after college. I love that we serve a God who desires the best for us and cares for His people enough to take certain things away in order to build up our character and give us even more through it. Let me share with you my journey thus far.
After graduation, I was still uncertain of what I was doing. I had finally decided that graduate school for linguistics was not where I was supposed to be right now and I started applying to elementary schools. I moved home for two weeks for Christmas break and had an interview lined up for a preschool in Tampa in January- not my first choice but it was something. I was overjoyed to get the position right away because it meant that I could live in Tampa; exactly where my heart wanted to stay. The next day after being hired I received a call for my first interview with an elementary school. I couldn't believe it! My first adult interview. However, I did not get the job. So, a little bummed but still thankful for a full time job, I began my adventure at the preschool.
In the meantime, I moved in with Inge in New Tampa. After 3 and half years of living in apartments, it was nice moving into a house. Unfortunately though, it was far from many of my friends, especially with the horrible traffic. It was okay at first, but as the semester moved forward, our schedules became busier and I saw less and less of my college friends. My job also became my life. You'd think working at a preschool wouldn't be too bad. Oh did I have it coming. I worked the normal 8 to 5 hours like a lot of people do, but the amount of stress that came with it only added to my exhaustion. I felt like I was working 50 hours a week rather than 40.
I encountered some hardships and persecution along the way. The management was poor and produced a horrible environment; I constantly saw how God was trying to draw me closer to Him. I felt as though they wanted to see how much they could take without giving any in return. Left in a classroom alone with 11 2 year olds basically everyday, I was at my last ends trying to provide for my students the most that I could with such high demands from my managers. Yet, God provided wonderful coworkers, students and parents. They were wonderful and I enjoyed being around them so much! That was hope and encouragement enough to keep me going. 1 corinthians 10:13, "No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it." This was my escape to let me know that His sovereign hand was over me. Through much prayer, encouragement from friends and meditation on His word, I was able to push through.
I am also thankful that God allowed me to see the sin that was present. It would have been very easy for me to believe the lies that my managers were telling me if I had not also seen that this persecution was not limited to me but the entire staff. I was not the only teacher left alone, but in fact most of the teachers were as well. No matter how much the parents complained, it only seemed to make the managers push more blame on us. One day I got my paycheck and noticed my pay rate was lowered. When I went to my manager she was not as surprised as I was and had no intention of informing me of this change. Instead she told me that they hadn't noticed they were paying me that much- for two months- and decided to change it. Her reasoning was that I was supposed to start out at a different pay rate anyway, and that they were doing me a favor by bumping me down only 50 cents instead of a dollar. She also encouraged me that it had nothing to do with my performance. I felt very mistreated and manipulated. Everything in me wanted to stand up for myself and demand respect. God was so gracious to me and held my tongue for me. What came out of my mouth next were words that not even I had expected. I politely said "Okay, thank you so much" and walked back to my classroom. There of course was still anger residing inside me for most of the day, but God kept humbling me. Again through much prayer, encouragement from friends and meditation on His word, I was able to keep pushing through.
About a month later, one of my parents came to me and told me she was pulling her child from the preschool. She had expressed her concerns to me before, so I was not very surprised. She made sure I knew that it had nothing to do with me and everything to do with the management. She walked out the door and I thought nothing of it. About 3 minutes before I was due to leave work, my manager called me on my phone and asked if I could come in before I left. I walked into the office and there lay a sheet of paper. They told me that it was my 3 month review and said I could go ahead and read it before we began the conversation. I began reading. Not one good thing about me was written on that paper. Not one. I read the last sentence where it said my last day was that very day. My heart sank. I was utterly speechless and was struggling with what I should say. I remember amongst the fight to keep back the tears, I said one simple prayer: God help me. I started talking. Though my voice was trembling with nervousness and complete lack of confidence in myself, God gave me words of assurance to say. He again held back my anger and provided words of reason and truth. I left with that piece of paper saying how horrible I was as an employee, and immediately felt the lies sinking in. I was greeted by John who had decided to surprise me after work and the tears immediately emerged. God provided encouragement through John, other coworkers, and even parents reminding me that those things they said of me were not true.
Through their encouragement I was able to move forward and begin my job search. About two weeks in, I found myself believing the lies once again. I had never noticed before that on applications they specifically ask if you have ever been fired. How on earth would I get a job? What I thought I could leave behind was only following me. One day, I found that piece of paper in my car. I immediately felt the anger and lies beginning to sink in once again. I felt defeated. They had won. Like the world, I began to believe that bad people come out on top and no matter how hard you try, its easy to be trampled on. I was playing the victim. Once I realized this, it was like a light bulb went off in my head. I asked myself, where does your trust reside? In the Lord, of course. Then why am I so willing to say that this small, minute thing defines who I am. I was so worried about what people would believe and think of me through this, that I didn't want anyone to know. It was embarrassing and gave a false view of who I was. God grabbed a hold of my heart and showed me my sin. 1 peter 5:5-10 says this:
I was too proud to tell people. Instead of knowing that my identity was in Christ and resting on His righteousness alone, I unknowingly wanted people to see mine. It's scary how deceptive sin can be. God is faithful and will provide if you ask Him. I asked God in that moment to remind me of His promises and who I am in Christ. To forgive me and bring contentment even in a time of uncertainty. I asked Him for His strength to believe truth rather than lies. And to know that He reigns victorious at the right hand of God. What more should I know than these truths? I was without a job for about 2 months before something came up. It has been amazing to see how many doors have opened through waiting patiently for His will. I now have a babysitting job with a couple who were at the preschool I worked at. I also have plans to house sit for two weeks in June. And I just found out today that I have another babysitting job and possibly more. I have received so much love and support from my fellow believers in Christ. It is humbling and beautiful to see the care from people looking out for me during this time. God truly does care for His people. He shows it through good things and bad. I have seen much fruit and goodness come out of this that I would have never thought possible. Then again, everything is possible with the Lord. :)
After graduation, I was still uncertain of what I was doing. I had finally decided that graduate school for linguistics was not where I was supposed to be right now and I started applying to elementary schools. I moved home for two weeks for Christmas break and had an interview lined up for a preschool in Tampa in January- not my first choice but it was something. I was overjoyed to get the position right away because it meant that I could live in Tampa; exactly where my heart wanted to stay. The next day after being hired I received a call for my first interview with an elementary school. I couldn't believe it! My first adult interview. However, I did not get the job. So, a little bummed but still thankful for a full time job, I began my adventure at the preschool.
In the meantime, I moved in with Inge in New Tampa. After 3 and half years of living in apartments, it was nice moving into a house. Unfortunately though, it was far from many of my friends, especially with the horrible traffic. It was okay at first, but as the semester moved forward, our schedules became busier and I saw less and less of my college friends. My job also became my life. You'd think working at a preschool wouldn't be too bad. Oh did I have it coming. I worked the normal 8 to 5 hours like a lot of people do, but the amount of stress that came with it only added to my exhaustion. I felt like I was working 50 hours a week rather than 40.
I encountered some hardships and persecution along the way. The management was poor and produced a horrible environment; I constantly saw how God was trying to draw me closer to Him. I felt as though they wanted to see how much they could take without giving any in return. Left in a classroom alone with 11 2 year olds basically everyday, I was at my last ends trying to provide for my students the most that I could with such high demands from my managers. Yet, God provided wonderful coworkers, students and parents. They were wonderful and I enjoyed being around them so much! That was hope and encouragement enough to keep me going. 1 corinthians 10:13, "No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it." This was my escape to let me know that His sovereign hand was over me. Through much prayer, encouragement from friends and meditation on His word, I was able to push through.
I am also thankful that God allowed me to see the sin that was present. It would have been very easy for me to believe the lies that my managers were telling me if I had not also seen that this persecution was not limited to me but the entire staff. I was not the only teacher left alone, but in fact most of the teachers were as well. No matter how much the parents complained, it only seemed to make the managers push more blame on us. One day I got my paycheck and noticed my pay rate was lowered. When I went to my manager she was not as surprised as I was and had no intention of informing me of this change. Instead she told me that they hadn't noticed they were paying me that much- for two months- and decided to change it. Her reasoning was that I was supposed to start out at a different pay rate anyway, and that they were doing me a favor by bumping me down only 50 cents instead of a dollar. She also encouraged me that it had nothing to do with my performance. I felt very mistreated and manipulated. Everything in me wanted to stand up for myself and demand respect. God was so gracious to me and held my tongue for me. What came out of my mouth next were words that not even I had expected. I politely said "Okay, thank you so much" and walked back to my classroom. There of course was still anger residing inside me for most of the day, but God kept humbling me. Again through much prayer, encouragement from friends and meditation on His word, I was able to keep pushing through.
About a month later, one of my parents came to me and told me she was pulling her child from the preschool. She had expressed her concerns to me before, so I was not very surprised. She made sure I knew that it had nothing to do with me and everything to do with the management. She walked out the door and I thought nothing of it. About 3 minutes before I was due to leave work, my manager called me on my phone and asked if I could come in before I left. I walked into the office and there lay a sheet of paper. They told me that it was my 3 month review and said I could go ahead and read it before we began the conversation. I began reading. Not one good thing about me was written on that paper. Not one. I read the last sentence where it said my last day was that very day. My heart sank. I was utterly speechless and was struggling with what I should say. I remember amongst the fight to keep back the tears, I said one simple prayer: God help me. I started talking. Though my voice was trembling with nervousness and complete lack of confidence in myself, God gave me words of assurance to say. He again held back my anger and provided words of reason and truth. I left with that piece of paper saying how horrible I was as an employee, and immediately felt the lies sinking in. I was greeted by John who had decided to surprise me after work and the tears immediately emerged. God provided encouragement through John, other coworkers, and even parents reminding me that those things they said of me were not true.
Through their encouragement I was able to move forward and begin my job search. About two weeks in, I found myself believing the lies once again. I had never noticed before that on applications they specifically ask if you have ever been fired. How on earth would I get a job? What I thought I could leave behind was only following me. One day, I found that piece of paper in my car. I immediately felt the anger and lies beginning to sink in once again. I felt defeated. They had won. Like the world, I began to believe that bad people come out on top and no matter how hard you try, its easy to be trampled on. I was playing the victim. Once I realized this, it was like a light bulb went off in my head. I asked myself, where does your trust reside? In the Lord, of course. Then why am I so willing to say that this small, minute thing defines who I am. I was so worried about what people would believe and think of me through this, that I didn't want anyone to know. It was embarrassing and gave a false view of who I was. God grabbed a hold of my heart and showed me my sin. 1 peter 5:5-10 says this:
"Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble."6 Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, 7 casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. 8 Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. 9 Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. 10 And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace,who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore,confirm, strengthen, and establish you."
I was too proud to tell people. Instead of knowing that my identity was in Christ and resting on His righteousness alone, I unknowingly wanted people to see mine. It's scary how deceptive sin can be. God is faithful and will provide if you ask Him. I asked God in that moment to remind me of His promises and who I am in Christ. To forgive me and bring contentment even in a time of uncertainty. I asked Him for His strength to believe truth rather than lies. And to know that He reigns victorious at the right hand of God. What more should I know than these truths? I was without a job for about 2 months before something came up. It has been amazing to see how many doors have opened through waiting patiently for His will. I now have a babysitting job with a couple who were at the preschool I worked at. I also have plans to house sit for two weeks in June. And I just found out today that I have another babysitting job and possibly more. I have received so much love and support from my fellow believers in Christ. It is humbling and beautiful to see the care from people looking out for me during this time. God truly does care for His people. He shows it through good things and bad. I have seen much fruit and goodness come out of this that I would have never thought possible. Then again, everything is possible with the Lord. :)
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